Current state of affairs


The same assholes that don’t want the government in our lives due to incompetence, ineffective and inefficient ways of the government – trust the government to be effective, efficient and correct in carrying out death penalty cases. 

The same assholes that love the government and think there is such a thing as good big government that is effective, efficient and competent in all other weighty matters – believes that in death penalty cases the government is in effective and incompetent.



Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Gary Johnson President?

Since we are on the subject of Jesus…I am sure he would back Gary Johnson for president.



Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Jesus hates puppies (belonging to children)

I was in the car this morning after church when my 12 year old commented on her sunday school teacher’s response to a question posed to him.

“Today Stan (an autistic 11 year old) asked Mr. Ennis (sunday school teacher) if he would someday see his dead dog in heaven.  Mr. Ennis abruptly (yes my 12 year old speaks this way) told Stan that dogs had no soul and upon death they absolutley did not go to heaven. 

Daddy don’t you think this is harsh?

Yes I replied. 

Why would Mr. Ennis say that to a kid like Stan?” 

I have been struggling with my faith over the last few years. I envision a kind Jesus not a mean horrible dog hating Jesus.  (I let God be the city destroyer and locust bringer while Jesus is the lamb).   I wonder what Christ would say to Mr. Ennis.  In any event, I think Jesus was a lot more about kindness than most churches preach about.  Praying for a big house and money is jacked up. Jesus would say to be that homosexuals are not the grand sinners but can actuall be good Christians and gay.   In short I would like to hang out with my Jesus not the puppy hater.  Jesus is laid back and wants me to be like him.  But if Jesus hates puppies like Mr. Ennis said– then I may have to rethink my desire to hang out with JC in the afterlife.

Biblically confused as to Stan’s puppy’s soul -I went to the internet. The query was “do pets go to heaven” was the 4th or 5th hit and it looked like a good place to start. 

Here is the question and response  from this site.  It is a question from an alleged confused 8 year old named Timmy whose dog is going to die(soon) because of cancer.

Dear Pastor,

I am 8-years old and I am so sad now cause my dog, Scruffy is awfully sick. The pet doctor told my mom that Scruffy has only a few weeks to live because he has a bunch of cancers everwhere. The doctor told my mom that I am gonna see Scruffy when I get to heaven, but she told me that my doctor is not saved, so that I will write to you and ask you the real answer about Scruffy because you know.

Pastor, I love Scruffy so much! I have been trying so much every day not to cry, but when I look at his eyes, he is so sad! My poor dog is in so much pain with his cancers. Is Scruffy going to go to Heaven, Pastor? Will I get to see him again?

Timothy Galvin – Age 8
Freehold, Iowa

 Dear Timmy,

It always breaks my heart when I have to answer a question like this. I understand your concern, but I won’t lie to you. According to the Bible, there will be no animals in heaven except for horses. And those horses, the book of Revelation tells us, will be used solely as a means of transportation. Scripture tells us that horses will sprout wings and be able to fly at high speeds. We’ll fly too, Timmy, but the horses will probably fly faster, which is why Jesus is going to keep them around.

As True Christians™, we can only speculate why God doesn’t find it necessary to populate heaven with dogs, cats, cows, chickens and other creatures. Most likely it is because we won’t need food when we get to Heaven. Using Bible logic, we have to assume that there are going to be a whole mess of folks in Hell and most of them will be Chinese, since they never had the luxury of hearing about Jesus. People in hell will need food to sustain them through an eternity of torture at the hands of the loving God they rejected. As we understand it, Chinese folks love to eat dogs. I’m sorry, Timmy – it is a hard sight to take in, but in a few weeks little Scruffy will be savagely ripped to shreds, as will countless other pooches, at the blood-stained hands of starving, godless Chinamen as they are beaten and sodomized by demons on the desolate shores of the Lake of Fire. My guess is that those shores will be piled high with the rotting, bone-picked carcasses of every household pet there ever was.

I hope this helps.

Your friend and Pastor,

Deacon Fred

For all you Stans and Timmys of the world the are a few truths from this response.

  • Deacon Fred is awesome entertainment
  • Fred lies as we all know Chinese people eat cats not dogs
  • If Fred is accurate DO NOT vacation at the lake of fire
  • Fred forgot to mention that Jesus keeps the horses in heaven for gambling

Here is my own letter.

Dear Stan and Timmy,

 I spoke to Jesus a few minutes ago.  Good news!  Your fucking dogs made it!  They are in heaven. Jesus also told me to tell you that if Mr. Ennis and Deacon Fred tell you otherwise- ball up your little fits and punch them in the face.


PS Jesus said there are a dozen Chinese waiting for Fred at the lake!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

One step away

from homelessness?

I am going to see a famous comedian in 45 minutes. I have not showered in 48 hours. I don’t care. This is serious folks — my apathy is bleeding into my social life. Yikes! Stay tuned for pregnant movers with broken legs vs the union!

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

My Work RPI

The Rating Percentage Index is a quantity used to rank sports teams based upon a team’s wins and losses and its strength of schedule.  It is one of the systems by which basketball teams in this great country are ranked. 

In my Agency, we participated in  a survey that was the equivalent of the RPI for work…kind of are we Duke or are we Texas Pan-Am or somewhere in the middle.  How do you like your job?  Are you happy? Those questions.

Based on my math , (I did take two math classes in college and made two A’s but one was in community college and the other was taught by a drunkard) ) my Agency’s rank was the basketball equivalent of…drum roll please ….the rank of the  7 and 20 Eastern Illinois University Panthers.  HELL FucKKen YES! 

Three spots below New Jersey Tech (mascot unknown) and three above Kennesaw State University Owls.

I am all in now. GO EIU baby!   I was hoping for Duke or Kansas or heck even Hofstra but I will settle for working the rest of my life for the  equivalent of EIU.  

It could have been  worse– it could have been Texas Pan-Am

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Be our guest!

Dear incoming mentally deficient hotel guests of the Washington DC Area:

I know in Erie PA the walls are super thick at the Downeaster Motel and Bar but here in DC they are paper-thin so keep it down when you are checking in.

I am sure Michael is a very smart boy but if he is so stupid he can’t hear his name unless you scream it down the hall (numerous times)– you should have considered an abortion 12 years ago.

As a guest of the 5th floor I suggest you consider the elevator.  Your size 14 farm clodhopper sound like  a cannon going off as you plod up and down the stairs to get your plastic wal mart suitcases.

Finally, I don’t know who is “losing 1 to nothing” but trust me I don’t give a shit.

Welcome to our Nation’s Capital and I hope you enjoy your stay! 95 North is your quickest way home.

Yours truly,


Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Talking Points

I hate working groups, matrixes, data points and spread sheets but most of all I hate talking points.  For those (blessed) uniformed souls who don’t know –a talking point in debate or discourse is a succinct statement designed to persuasively support one side taken on an issue. 

I received an email with talking points I had to use  on a subject.  I am sure the points were written by a 23-year-old rising star who “knows people and how to persuade listeners” that tragedy has not befallen them.  It will all be ok!

I know now (after being told) that it is better to have your actual thoughts clearly delineated for you by these 23 year old wunderkids so I decided to write a thank you note!

Dear Sir or Madame:

Thank you so much for your talking point email.  Since the car accident my mind has not been as fresh as it use to be…so you telling me what to say and think may come in handy when I talk to my employees. In addition, my mum dropped me on my head as a child and I never could really “put” it all together so the point are way cool. Also I drink a ton so I do have a tendency to black out so your gentle reminders will help keep me focused on what to say as I gut my folks.

Last week I drove to Kansas City Kansas when I was only suppose to go down the street for milk.  I also tried to sell my six-year-old on eBay – why? not sure.  The local authorities “talking points: help me figure out the error of my ways…. so I am sure yours will be as effective.

In any event, I must decline your offer for dinner next week.  Say hello to your mom and dad for me! Please return the socks as they do not fit. I like turtles.

Yours truly,


PS Perhaps I needed the talking points after all

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment